God’s Love Is Too Big For Me
Luanna Brucks, C.P.P.S
I am at Carmel, having responded to a request to serve as organist for this small community of Carmelites north of Davenport, Iowa. But my service is not completely altruistic! My heart clamored to experience living in a contemplative community for two months - an opportunity that probably would never come to me again. I am certain that my desire to be here is from God as all arrangements for this stay received a green light in the process of responding to the invitation.
Today is the feast of the Sacred Heart, a devotion implanted in me from childhood, and strengthened and expanded by my membership in the Community of the Sisters of the Most Precious Blood. As a young Sister I had read the biography of St. Margaret Mary, a woman closely associated with the devotion to the Sacred Heart; I was appalled by the sufferings inflicted on her by her Sisters who questioned and mistrusted our Lord's apparitions to her. I decided then and there that I would never pray for visions of any kind.
God’s Desire For Me
So I come to prayer this morning. Continuously, I am overwhelmed at God's desire for me, for my love. God's love for me is just too big for me to understand! That this great architect of the universe, this biological and botanist master of all living things, especially humanity, loves me, and yearns for my small, vacillating, topsy-turvey love, is just too big for me!
It was suggested that I place the condition of my older sister (by three years) in the hands of the Lord. Mary Lou has been a bone of contention between God and myself ever since she, gradually and totally, has become debilitated by the advanced stages of Alzheimer's disease over some five or six years. So this morning, as I become aware of the presence of God in my life, I also place her in God's presence. Over the years I keep complaining to God that if God really loves Mary Lou, then why is she being left in this progressively deteriorating condition? She is such a good person, having quit high school to care for four sisters and brothers after their mother died, having raised six children of her own, having worked so hard to provide for her family due to the growing illness of her husband, having run a successful business and contributing to the church, school, and community in which she lived. WHY was God leaving her so incapable of anything?
It Is Not My Call
As I prayed I became aware that God loves Mary Lou just as much as he loves me, probably more after all he has asked of her. As I laid before the Lord my railing, anger and questioning it dawned on me that it is not my call to understand this mystery of her suffering; rather I am called to embrace this mystery of suffering, no questions asked! God's love comes to us in many different sizes, shapes and colors. I know that God loves her now as much - and even more - than she has ever been loved by God. And as I mentally sit next to her while she rests listlessly in her recliner, I know that I am in the presence of God's LOVE that is so great but totally camouflaged in the shell of this helpless body. And all I can do is bow before this great mystery, this sacrament - this sign - of God's presence in
love for Mary Lou; I need to cherish God's love in this broken body. I only ask that in the void of her mind which wanders helplessly, that she be at peace.
"God has visited his people and set them free," free of rancor, questions, misgivings. Who am I to even try to understand this mystery of God's love? Again I realize that God's love is too big for me!
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